I’ve been sitting on this topic for AWHILE. I’ve had to really pray and ask God to remove any personal hurt or personal agenda… The Words We Speak and How We Interact With Others. I pray that the words I write speaks to someone but, most importantly, they are HOLY SPIRIT filled (not Cheyenne Filled). I’ll start with saying what I have a hard time with concerning other people and how I myself was convicted by the Holy Spirit when I began to REALLY soak on this.
Anxiety is a major struggle for me… Oh, and overthinking too! (woo-hoo for that double whammy) My ENTIRE life has been:
- “What are they thinking?
- Why don’t they ever reach out first?
- Do they GENUINELY care? They’d reach out if that were true…”
- Did I not smile enough? Say the wrong thing?”
- Do they talk about me or wish I’d leave them alone?”
- “I’m not in THE group. They are only being fake and not really caring if I’m here or not.”
- “They responded so late… Actually it’s been a day and they haven’t responded at all. I KNOW they saw it. I’m definitely not important to them unless someone else is looking and they can SEEM like they care.” (I’m ashamed this one I say more than I know I should.)
I’d like to say this is occasional, but it’s not. It is my EVERY interaction. Literally ALL I can focus on, even with people I’ve been friends with FOR YEARS. When someone is “too nice” in their tone: FAKE! RUN! When someone only talks to me in a public place never personally reaching out: FAKE! RUN! I over analyze EVERYONE’S actions and think of their intentions that may or may not be true! It is exhausting! So stinking tiring ALWAYS trying to know if someone really cares or if they are just making small talk to show “they love everyone.” I try to talk myself out of this anxiety and overthinking of people… but then I start to over analyze MYSELF with the guilt, judgement, the whole shebang. Then at that point I’m mentally and physically drained… to the point of not being able to interact with people for DAYS! And not to mention the moments you REALLY need a friend (one that you don’t have to question their intentions) and you can’t bring yourself to talk to any “friends” because you’ve now convinced yourself NO ONE CARES, YOU ARE ANNOYING THEM, THEY WOULD RATHER BE WITH THE OTHER CHRISTIANS NOT YOU…
This lead to resentment of the people that would come say “hi, how are you?” or “okay, I love you!” Did they really? Would they even notice I was drowning in mental instability?? NO. They never did, so wear the smile, move on, and don’t go further into being emotionally invested. I started asking God to fix them. God “show them the way. Show them how unloving they are really being…” That is UNTIL. Until I wanted to write this blog and was like, “yeah! Let’s write this and show them the BETTER way to love humans! Convict their hearts!!!!”
Then BOOM! In came the Holy Spirit to knock over that high horse. He pierced my heart straight to the bitter core. When I’m over analyzing, keeping my distance, not fully trusting but “loving” how is my outward appearance looking to the other person? Do they feel I really care? I’ve been so caught up in how they made ME feel I didn’t think about what my face and nonverbal communication was making THEM feel… What if the reason they seemed like that is because I am so caught up in “making the interaction right”, “making sure if they like me or not”, and “am I doing what they want me to do for them to socially accept me?” I got my wake up call, IT ISN’T ABOUT ME.
Jesus told us in Matthew:
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:37-39
He didn’t say, “Yeah, go love others, but make sure you do everything right for them to like you, always include you, and make everything about you.” No, he said to just love them as we do ourselves. I know I am awkward. I know I have a hard time with the smiles, the small talk, and feeling comfortable around people. I always have, but I love so much more than that leads on… Now that I’ve been convicted of this I am praying God will help me to change this about myself. I want to JOYFULLY love people with no conditions.
We all want someone to care… to “get it.” The sense of them not being genuine and them not saying what you want them to say can cut you like broken, ridged, hitting EVERY painful nerve glass. However, we must be careful that, when we pull that glass out, we don’t unintentionally cut someone else’s heart. Let’s all be a son and daughter of the Most High God that shows love that isn’t dependent on “if they like us at the end of it.” Just care. Just love. Unconditionally.
I’ll start with me. ❤ God didn’t want me asking for THEM to change, but wanted it to start with MY heart. That way I can then be the example, not the conviction. ❤
It Begins at Home 